As far as I am concerned, the greatest argument against the existence of a loving, benevolent God is what Wikipedia calls “Midwestern cuisine.” I must warn you, what I am about to describe may shock you. Those with delicate stomachs should turn away.

First, there is the abomination known as “glorified rice.” This atrocity is made of rice, pineapple, whipped cream, and maraschino cherries. It has the texture of scrambled eggs that have been left in the sun for too long.

Next there is the “Snickers salad.” This war crime is made of Snickers bars, green apples, whipped cream, and sometimes mayonnaise. It looks like it’s made of pieces of lung that have been coated in spinal fluid.

Finally, we have a dish so awful it is named after one of America’s most well known abuses of presidential power: “Watergate salad.” This ransom note is made of canned pineapple, whipped cream, crushed pecans, marshmallows, and pistachio pudding. It looks like someone put Mike Wazowksi in a blender.

I ask you, what God would allow these crimes to exist? Who is responsible for these acts of cooking homicide? If you have any more tales of the barbarity that happens in Midwestern kitchens, share them with me in practice on Tuesday (or now in the Discord server).

Best,

Lev Bernstein

Secretary, Quiz Bowl at NYU, c. 2600 B.C.E. - 2021 C.E.