Congratulations! You’ve just fulfilled your lifelong dream of becoming a sumo wrestler. Unfortunately, you’re only about 5’ 5” and weigh only 215 pounds, making you far smaller than the average rikishi (sumo wrestler). Your first match of the day will be against an opponent who is 7” taller and 400 pounds heavier than you. Think you can beat them?

Before we consider that scenario, I think it’s important that you understand, generally, how sumo works. There are two main ways to lose a sumo bout: by stepping out of the ring or by touching the ground with any part of the body besides the bottom of the feet. Every bout is won through some sumo technique, or kimarite. Sumo recognizes 82 winning techniques, as well as 5 “non-techniques,” which are essentially disqualifications. The most common techniques are yorikiri, or frontal force-out, and oshidashi, or frontal push-out. This kind of makes sense; most rikishi are very heavy, and their goal is to get the opponent out of the ring in the most direct way possible.

But back to you. You’re up against Konishiki, the second-heaviest wrestler of all time. There’s no way you’ll be able to beat him in a straightforward contest of strength, which pretty much rules out yorikiri or oshidashi. This will require something else; maybe you can utilize your speed and agility. Here’s how Mainoumi, who was about your size, pulled it off.

Mainoumi was a master of taking down wrestlers who weighed more than twice as much as him. He also very rarely won with yorikiri or oshidashi, instead utilizing so many different and rare techniques that he became known as the “Department Store of Techniques.” Sometimes, he would avoid fighting at all, forgoing the initial charge for henka, or dodging, which is frowned upon but totally legal. Here’s an explanation of henka from the last two minutes of some tournament highlights.

Winning at your size won’t be easy, but there is perhaps another rikishi you can draw inspiration from. Enho (not to be confused with Endo) is a fan favorite, mostly because his matches almost always consist of either impressive displays of technical skill or him being thrown out of the ring by someone twice his size.

Enho hasn’t been doing too hot recently; the past few tournaments, he has posted a losing record. Here’s a highlight reel from the last tournament he posted a winning record in.

There are some other obstacles in your way. You probably weren’t born in Japan, and sumo actually has a limit on the number of foreigners who are allowed to compete: just ~45 in professional sumo. That hasn’t stopped foreign rikishi from dominating the top division, though; from January 2006 to January 2016, foreign wrestlers won every single top-division tournament. Both current yokozuna, or grand champions, the highest rank of sumo, are from Mongolia. More concerningly, women still aren’t allowed in the ring.

After all that, maybe you’ve changed your mind and decided that sumo isn’t for you. Sumo wrestlers do often acquire a litany of health problems, and retirement can be a rough transition.

The November basho has just begun. English-commentated matches are streamed on the official NHK website. I’d urge you to watch, or at least listen while you do some work.

See you all at practice tomorrow (along with our new score bot),

Lev Bernstein

Secretary, Quizbowl at the Ryōgoku Kokugikan, 1985-2021